As many know, I do not have the easiest pregnancies. I am amazed that I am still alive after having been pregnant 3 times. I can still remember after Jamin was born saying 'I honestly don't know if we will have more children'. I absolutely LOVE the raising kids part but pregnancies are so hard on me and the family. The constant nausea and vomiting, bleeding gums, body rashes, exhaustion, irritability, pubic symphysis dysfunction and pain, swelling/pitting edema, leg pains and leg cramps...the list could go on. I am extremely irritable which really hurts my relationship with Kyle and the boys. I hate being touched or affectionate because I am so uncomfortable and I am just an all around grumpy fat prego lol. It puts a huge burden on my family and my marriage. During this pregnancy Kyle and I prayed a lot for God to tell us whether or not we should have more children. I have such a deep desire to have more kids but my pregnancies seem to keep getting worse and I really don't know how much our family will suffer if we have more pregnancies. This pregnancy was especially hard because in the midst of everything going on we got in a car accident in which I am still in quite a bit of pain from, Kyle broke his back during a workout and was unable to help as much, and the boys and I also got hand, foot and mouth disease at the end of my pregnancy which put me completely out of commission for a week. We all became so weak physically, mentally and spiritually. I did not tell many people the truth of how I was beginning to feel a few months into my pregnancy because I was unsure of how I was feeling...I had never had the feelings I was having but began to realize I was falling into depression. There were many days that I just didn't even want to live anymore...I would tell Kyle that I wish I could just sleep through the whole pregnancy and wake up when it was all over. I can remember in the midst of all of it telling Kyle, "I am trying to continually give God praise through this difficult time that we are in but there is so much pain in my praise". We both began to cry and just reflect on everything. We definitely learned a lot about ourselves and about God in this time, and that I am very grateful for. In the middle of any struggle I always look to God and try to figure out what it is all about. Kyle and I have a very hard time asking for help and one of God's lessons for us was to start asking for helping and exposing our current struggles to others. God definitely showed up. We had friends, family and neighbors bringing us meals, taking care of our kids and just coming over to "help'. I truly saw God in a different way. I saw Him in the hearts of all the people around us. He showed me that He truly is a living God. My depression didn't last very long and I have to give credit to my amazing sister-in-law, Cherie. When I had told her about what I was experiencing and how I wasn't too sure what was going on, she contacted friends and family and put together a HUGE book of letters from everyone (including people I had never met but had gone through similar pregnancies). The letters were filled with LOVE!...words of encouragement, prayers and uplifting quotes and Bible verses. When she gave me the book I remember crying harder than ever before. It was amazing and humbling. In the end and now that I can look back I realize none of this was about me and everything about God. I always look at what God is trying to show me or teach me and I realized it has nothing to do with me. I have an amazing Father who is trying to open my eyes and get my love and attention. He has given us His living Word and all my answers to my questions and struggles are found in Him. I just needed to stop looking a open the door he was continually knocking on. He has taught me so much about myself and about Himself this past year and although I am just beginning to gain strength physically, I am a much stronger believer right now. This past year has made me a much more loving mother and wife and I hope to never take for granted how amazing of a life He has given me. Thank You Jesus for believing in me and giving me the strength to endure anything...I am so glad I have the perfect example of grace and love in my life!
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4
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| It was all worth it! |
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| The amazing book of letters! |
After much prayer, Kyle and I felt that it was time for us to move into the next stage of our lives, whatever that may look like. Kyle got his vasectomy when I was about 36 weeks pregnant. It has been a grieving process for both of us...lol in different ways. Kyle says the picture below was the last time he was a man (totally joking...it was so quick and easy for him lol). But on a more serious note it has been a grieving process for me. I can remember right after Dylin was born, as I was still sitting in the tub with him, feeling so sad that this would be the last time I got to have this experience. It's been highs and lows since. Some days I am so glad we made the decision we made and others wondering 'what ifs'. I have to say that the days that I am able to get on the floor and hold my kids close and ride my bike around with the boys or lay on my stomach all evening and read books to the boys...those are the days I am so glad we made the the decision we made because none of those things happen while I am pregnant.
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| Kyle signing his balls away right before he went in for his vasectomy |
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